When We Started Trying & The Freak Out That Ensued

I wrote this post in March when we decided to start trying for baby Phelps. I was so excited but completely freaking out at the same time, and so was Parker. I didn't know if this would ever get published, but I wanted to write down the raw emotions I was feeling in the moment. Because we all know I like to document everything, I thought I would share.

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It's Monday, March 3, 2014. After a long conversation yesterday, Parker and I decided I would stop taking my birth control pill. It's something we have been discussing for months, but I really didn't think it would be this soon. Realistically, I thought we would probably stop using birth control this fall. Deciding to stop taking birth control was so exciting though! Except for now I'm freaking out a little. 

I woke up this morning, and the first thing I did was not take my pill. What?! Did I actually intentionally not take my pill? I say intentionally because I have forgotten here and there, but for the most part, I am pretty good at remembering. It's no secret among our friends and family that I have been the one with baby fever, and now I can just not take my pill. Parker, what are you doing to me?! It's one of those things where we have talked about going off birth control for months, but I didn't actually think Parker would say yes for a few more months. It was easy to ask when I knew the answer was no, but now this yes answer has me totally freaked out. 

I was at church on Sunday, and we sang Oceans, one of our favorite songs. The line "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders" really resonated with me, and I repeated it over and over again. I really felt like God was telling me to trust Him fully with expanding our family. We were at a place where we felt good about it, financially, mentally, and spiritually. Now it was time to give the timing to God and let His will be done. 

The truth is, I think the fact that I am kind of freaking out today is a test of trust. The easy thing to do is go take that pill and say just kidding, I wasn't ready after all. Honestly though, I don't want the pressure. God knows exactly when He wants us to start a family. If we see two lines on a pregnancy test next month, we will be thrilled. If we see them next year, we will know that was God's perfect timing for us. 

I have no idea what the future holds, and I feel like Parker and I have given up the control we were retaining, and now it's in God's hands. I can't help but smile as I type this. The floor is yours, Lord. Let's see what you've got planned.

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Baby Phelps is now 13 weeks along in my belly. God's timing is perfect, and we are still just honored that He chose us to be the parents of this little one!