Losing Taylor... 8 Months Later

Has it really been 8 months since our first baby went home to be with Jesus? That seems crazy. I haven't written about this journey in a while, but when I looked at the calendar and realized today marks 8 months since we lost her, I decided I wanted to document how I'm feeling and where I am with it all. Hopefully this can be an encouragement to anyone walking a similar path.

If you don't know the story of Taylor Grace, you can read it here. 

8 months later, the emotion is still raw. I actually just read what I wrote on the link in the last sentence and finished with tears in my eyes. I lived through it, but sometimes reliving it, I can't believe it actually happened. 

I think part of the reason the journey has been so tough is because she had an identity. It's funny, because the first trimester is when you are more likely to miscarry. I was really careful those first 12 weeks and tried not to focus too much on the little human growing inside of me for fear of losing it. Once I passed that first trimester, all bets were off, and I was really going to have a baby, or so I thought. I got to see my body change and bond with the baby inside me, but more than anything, we knew her gender and her name. She had an identity. From that point on, it could never be abstract for me. 8 months later, it still isn't. I can honestly say that not a day has passed where I don't think about our journey or what life would look like had she lived. She would be about 3 months old now, and I see her in friends' babies and the little babies at church. 

Though I feel like I have experienced every emotion in the book, I am thankful that guilt, anger, and self-hate are excluded from the list. As heartbreaking as it was to lose her, I have never blamed myself or Parker. One of us released two of every chromosome instead of just the one we were supposed to. We don't know for sure who, but based on the ultrasound, it was probably me. I don't blame my body or God for what happened, but I don't think it was a mistake or a "lightning strike" as the doctors called it either. I think God had a plan, and He carried it out. I have friends who have miscarried that blame themselves, and that breaks my heart. I did everything I could to keep our baby alive, and I believe that completely. 

I remember a friend came over to bring us dinner about 3 days after we lost our baby. She said to me, "I don't know how you are even out of bed", and that stuck with me. When you go through something like this, you have a choice to make. You can let it destroy you or let it strengthen you. It hasn't always been easy. There were days where all I wanted to do was cry. There were times over the holidays where I literally hid in a closet to cry because I just couldn't take it anymore. I got through those days though, and I'll get through any tough days ahead as well. 

Losing a child will change you life. It changed my life and rocked my world to the core, and it still effects me. Life keeps spinning even when your world stops, and eventually, you figure out how to do life again. I miss that little girl every day, and 8 months going by hasn't changed that, but I still find comfort in the same thing I found comfort in the day she left us. She's with her Creator, and she's waiting for me there.