Baby After Miscarriage

For three years, I have wondered what it would be like to have a baby following a miscarriage. For anyone not familiar with our story, our first baby went to heaven halfway through the pregnancy. Her name is Taylor Grace, and she had a chromosomal abnormality called triploidy. We found out we were pregnant with her on August 11, 2014, and she went to Heaven November 23, 2014. You can read all about our journey with losing our daughter here. 

Fast forward to now. It's Spring of 2017, and I am staring at the most beautiful face I have ever laid eyes on. I have a son, and I couldn't love him more. I don't know what it's like to have a healthy baby on the first try, but I now know what it's like to have a baby after a miscarriage. I have to believe the two situations each present a unique set of feelings and emotions. 

Even though I never met Taylor, she was and is very real to me. I know she is the most beautiful angel in Heaven, and I know I get eternity with her. For some, miscarried babies are abstract since you never meet them, but that was never the case for me. That said, having a daughter here on earth was abstract in a sense that I would never know what that's like. I remember holding my son a few days after he was born and it hit me like a ton of bricks. This is what I had missed. Holding her, feeling her, falling in love with every inch of her body. I now understand what I missed out on in losing her, and it's gut-wrenching. 

Guilt also creeps up in the oddest of ways. As silly as it sounds, there have been times that I feel guilty for being happy. Because I am. I am so, so happy. I've never been this happy in my entire life, and I've always been a pretty happy person. My son cries at 4 AM to eat, and I giddily wake up and carry him to the nursery to feed him. I get to hang out with my favorite little human at 4 AM and love every minute of it. These days of maternity leave have been AMAZING. I just snuggle him and play with him all day... seriously, the best. And then I remember that I have a daughter who isn't here, and I feel a little guilty for being so happy. 

I've learned that this guilt is misplaced, and God doesn't want me to be sad forever. I still think about Taylor Grace every single day. It's been 2.5 years since she went to Heaven, and not one day has passed that I haven't thought about her. I still wear a necklace around my neck with her name on it. I'll never stop missing her and wishing she were here, but I am also able to focus on what I do have (a perfect son) and rejoice in what is waiting for me (a perfect daughter). 

My journey to become a mom has presented the lowest lows and highest highs of my life, but I wouldn't change it. I think having a baby after a miscarriage has helped me choose joy in the hard parts... the sleep deprivation, the crying when you can't seem to figure out what on God's green earth is the matter with your child. I don't mind those moments. I actually kind of love them. I wanted this for so long, and God was faithful.