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On November 23rd, we celebrated the anniversary of our baby girl getting her wings. Taylor Grace has now been in Heaven, alive and healed, for four years.

This day is the hardest day of the year for me, but it's also the only day that I truly let myself feel the weight of losing her. I am a firm believer that you can't spend your whole life grieving, but on this day every year, I let myself feel as sad and angry and heartbroken as I want.

This year, her birthday fell on the day after Thanksgiving. We have a little morning tradition that we have done every year since she went to Heaven. We wake up, light a candle on a cupcake, and sing her "Happy Birthday". I have never made it through that short "Happy Birthday" song without crying, but it is one of my favorite family traditions that we have, and as long as I live, I will always sing her "Happy Birthday" on November 23rd.

It's crazy that four years have passed. I remember everything about losing her. It's funny how much we forget in our daily lives, especially now that mom brain has taken over, but I can recount November 23rd and the few days following it to a tee. I don't think that will ever change. I've never felt closer to God but farther from people than I did in those few days. It was an indescribable week but the most faith-affirming time of my life.

Four years later, I still miss her. She would be 3.5 years old. I still think about what her life would have been like. I still cry on Sunday mornings in worship because that's the day her heart stopped beating. But, life goes on. The pain of missing her will never completely go away, but the promise that I get to meet her and hold her in Heaven is enough to make me smile. Loss is so temporary compared to an eternity in Heaven, and if I didn't have that promise to hold onto, losing her would have been unbearable.

Happy four years in Heaven, angel girl. I love you so so much.